went to mr james creffield's funeral today. a total drain of mental and physical strength. underneath all the dued respects and solemnities, i had in fact stood for an hour mourning for someone who i do not know at all in my entire life and with someone who knows me for all the wrong reasons. yes the absurdity of it all. as though this were a social function, a gathering of the all high and mighty, the seniors, the close frens, and i belonged to the category of gate crashers desperate to fit in.

i do not know which was more disrespectful. that or pretending to be all sad and overwhelmed by mrs creffield's loss. and thinking that you are actually entitled to say that it's 'her loss'.

mrs creffield is a strong woman. standing there hugging all their close frens and relatives. gently patting the back of this bawling girl, she almost looked as though she were the one comforting the rest.

almost

till which she bent down by the side of the coffin and gently stroked his head. whispering unheard words of endearments into his ear. her last words before the coffin was sealed. i saw but a tiny fraction of the affection and reliance they might have had over so many years. and love. i teared and almost cried.

almost