day5

i keep saying that i am ok and people think it means that i am not sad. that is not true. how do u explain that constant ache that sticks to the back of your heart and binds it with memory so tightly till u tink u can take it no more. but u can cause nobody dies from heartache. it's just the pain that results when a part of your soul's been torn out and thrown away. so i guess in this sense i am ok. life goes on and we all try to move on, to forget. spending days wandering about town and nights on a high with frens. leaving grief and regrets to the hours of exhaustion when you have no more energy left to defend but concede to your loss and silently mourn for him. for us and all that ceased to exists.

the world remains unchanged but nothing will ever be the same again. i am not ok. why dun i bawl my eyes out, curl up under the blanket and not move out for the rest of my life? not eat, not sleep, not talk, show that i am totally dysfunctionl and useless without him, until he is forced to come back to me. i wish. i reallie do. sux to know you can move on. sux to know that both of us can, that our love is not everything not permanent not everlasting not all that powerful and consuming not what i thought it had been and that there are other people and things in life other than us

a part of me refuses to forget or be a living proof that the perceived importance and ties of someone in another person's life is actually very much fragile and transcient. so i fear the day i stop loving you, when this hurt that is the last thing u have given me to leave. for then i would have truly lost you. totally.