many ppl asked me why we seem to have distanced after almost 3 years of being inseparable and have met with less than satisfactory answers. even as i type this, i find it hard to put it in words all that have changed. i wouldn't say that it was a betrayal because a betrayal would entail some form of commitment or obligation of sorts that was breached or forsaken.

perhaps that's the problem. but no, there was just disappointment. as a friend, i had prayed that the strength of our bond would tide me through. but it was like a bloody veil that shrouded my sights and everything was tainted. then came long forgotten lies that unraveled with the distance and time. i have probably never felt so much bitterness before in my entire life. i could not speak without sarcasm and look without judging or think without resentment. for months, i think i probably consciously did as much damage to us as he did.

yet i couldn't stop. at the end of the day, all the spiteful words are driven by a bid to make things better. you think if you hurt him as much, it will even the playing field and bring back the balance of before. an eye for an eye and now we are both blind.

it's one of those things that you can't just say im sorry.

so now things are calmer and i miss him quite dearly. we put in our best efforts to amend things while adjusting a comfortable distance to avoid killing one another. i remain one of his fiercest defenders and supporters despite my complaints. i believe there is still something pure somewhere in our friendship that the lies and pain have not taken away. during times when i call, knowing that no one would better understand. i struggle to define it but i just know. its there.

for those who don't understand and to myself when i forget.